


want a love

by musiclily88



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Elton John - Freeform, Gen, RocketMan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-21 07:48:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21296009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musiclily88/pseuds/musiclily88
Summary: ..
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

He looks to his right, and a girl whose name he doesn’t know gives him a bump off her nail.

He passes out before six in the evening.

:

He started learning piano at five, his grandma seeing potential in ways his mother never did. She bought him lessons. 

His dad left the room during the discussion.

Sometimes things are like that.

:

He grew out his hair, letting it go soft and fluffy. It wasn’t because a boy told him it might look nice like that.

It wasn’t.

And the sunglasses weren’t an affectation, they were an accessory.

Really.

:

He zips up his boot, sighing. His veins are singing, full of everything under the sun, and he is absolutely not here for anyone to fuck with him.

Softly, slowly, he gets to his feet.

:

Sometimes, when he can manage to drag his eyelids open, he remembers what it feels like, that heady, addictive high he gets while looking into the crowd as everyone screams for him.

Somehow, the high of the crowd is better than the high of anything he can snort or smoke, and he doesn’t really get that, but he likes it. 

He really likes it.

But sometimes.

Sometimes, he has nightmares that make him think he’s dying, and maybe he is, maybe he really is.

Maybe he is.

_ I’m still standing. _

:

He confronts the microphone like it’s a dying wish, because at this point, he can’t really tell. 

He gives the crowd a bright, white-teeth grin, and he starts to sing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> too fast, too fast

It’s not always like this, really. Usually it’s not.

But sometimes he wakes up shaking, trembling, aching for something to drink.

And doesn’t that sound nice?

:

Dry-mouth kicks him for six, and it’s a terrible feeling.

There’s always a terrible feeling just around the bend, and really, he should just try to get used to that.

But yet.

It’s hard to get used to dark-blue when you’re used to bright-hot fireworks, isn’t it?

Often, his hands shake.

:

Something courses through his veins, and he’s not entirely sure what it is anymore. 

His heart beats too fast.

He falls asleep with a smile on his face.

:

When he wakes up, his heart is thumping just like it was before. Too fast, too fast. Like it’s liable to hurt him.

The benzos help, mostly.

:

Sometimes, the benzos, they don’t help.

Sometimes he smiles too big and hugs too hard.

Sometimes the shine doesn’t dazzle.

:  
_ you’ll wind up like the wreck behind that mask you use _

and he knows it.  
Because why wouldn’t he.

:

All the girls and the boys smile at him, smile wide.

Everyone loves him. Why wouldn’t they?

Isn’t he a dream come true?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: musiclily


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

_ without you on my mind, I’m still standing _

“Better than I ever did,” he says, licking at the corner of his lips, flicking back his hair.

He wipes a tear off his eyelashes.

:

Sunglasses cover up so much, really, like under-eye circles, bruises, and black eyes.

_ looking like a true survivor _

Isn’t he just.

:

He spits blood into the sink, probably, but maybe he doesn’t.

His nose bleeds, or it doesn’t.

_ Never could hope to win. _

:

He likes a cover.

He likes a shine, some sparkle and glitter.

A deflection.

He likes to think it’s pretty.

:

He likes to think he’s pretty.

And maybe he is, but who’s going to give it to him honest? Who’s going to tell him for real? Probably no one, not when he grins wide and hands over a bottle, bright-eyed and coked-out.

Probably not.

Probably no one.

:

The hangovers are the worst bit, really, head banging and tongue tacky, eyelids feeling plastered shut.

It’s strange that the nosebleeds aren’t the worst thing.

:

Sometimes—sometimes—he wants to die.

He thinks it might be nice, sort of, a quiet nothingness, perhaps, a short-term-long-term coma.

And then he puts on his sparkly boots and goes onstage, yet again, and he smiles, yet again, and he performs.

Yet again.

Yet again.

:

His glasses keep off the bright lights, and he can swipe away the sweat at his brow, so that’s all right.

That’s all right, right?

It’s nice to see sparks, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: musiclily


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rocketman

Someone else keeps his hair shiny, and he keeps his smile wide, because it’s easy to trick people who are far-away. It’s easy enough to trick people who don’t know you into thinking you’re okay.

His fingers rattle at the piano keys, and he sings words that feel a little weird on his tongue, but they also feel just-about-right, more than not.

_ did you think this fool could never win? _

He throws himself into the music, and the lights shine so bright that he can’t stop sweating, and his nose just won’t stop stinging.

Sometimes, when he sings, his legs kick out wildly, widely, pants pooling around his ankles while hugging his slim hips, leaving not a whole lot out of the picture.

Not really a lot is left to the imagination, not with him.

It’s all imagination, isn’t it, it’s wide smiles and hot skin and bitten lips. Big crowds, sweaty crowds, messy crowds. Crowds who don’t know themselves, not anymore.

Looking past the spotlights and into the crowd makes him feel raw and ragged in a way nothing else does, and he wants to dive into it all. He wants to be in the thick of it.

:

His glasses sparkle, but they keep out the worst of it, such that no one can see his bloodshot eyes.

The running nose is harder to hide.

_ you could never know what it’s like _

:

A year later, he sits on top of the piano, cross-legged and clear-eyed. He licks his lips once, holding the mic up.

_ “Well look at me, I’m coming back again” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr:musiclily

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: musiclily


End file.
